Life after IF ...

I've been thinking about this post for a long time.

And probably will find tons more thoughts and feelings to add to it over the years.

Now that I am pregnant with Maybe - the gift of a natural achieved pregnancy - my I.F. heartache is further away than ever. But it's not gone. And I don't think it every will be completely gone. And if we decide to have a third child someday (doubtful) - what will happen for us then?

I still read the message boards that helped me cope every day - even though they're quieter now. I read blogs of women I don't even know in real life - who are still struggling and brokenhearted. I cry when they lose pregnancies, and I cry with tears of joy when they do become pregnant. These women are amazing, beautiful people who are sharing their life stories - and giving hope and friendship to other women who are afraid to say their worst fears aloud. That they may never have children.

I have several friends IRL (in real life) who are trying to get pregnant. Some of them are just starting to worry - and some are experiencing issues with getting pregnant after already having a child. They have discovered what I tried to explain so long ago -- once you flip on the "baby switch" in your heart -- all of a sudden, there are babies and preggo's everywhere! And it's torture. Pure torture. That happened to me again once we started trying for a second child, and I just kept thinking, "Seriously? Again? This is ridiculous!"

And since every person deals with pregnancy issues different - I am now finding myself on the other side of the boat. Do I talk to them? Send them a message? Or do they want to be left alone about it? Probably many of the thoughts that people had for me when I was struggling. A couple weeks ago, after an amazing church sermon on adoption - I saw an acquaintance leave the auditorium in tears. This same person once made me so angry by saying those stupid words: "Just relax, it will happen when it's meant to happen." And now every week I see her and wonder - why was she crying? Does she feel that pain? And I've spend much of the services since staring at the back of her head - focusing all my prayers on her. But I can't ask her why she was so upset that day ... who knows, maybe she just had something in her eye!

I try to be cautious about discussing my child and pregnancy around others - but it isn't always easy. This is the highlight of my life - and I battle with the feelings of entitlement. I suffered through other people's gloating - now it's my turn to post 100,000 million photos of my child on facebook, and have every status be about my pregnancy - right?? I don't know ... but I do know every time I write about H or Maybe online, I think about if it's making someone else sad.

This post has turned into rambling instead of the highly inspirational and meaningful writing it was going to be. I think I should quit while I'm ahead.

But - just so you know - there is life after infertility. And it can be wonderful or crappy - basically, whatever you want it to be.

"You have rescued me from death; you have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in your presence, O God, in your life-giving light." Psalm 56:13

CD3 = Biohazard Container!!

Well, the ultrasound went good this morning ~ no cysts for me!! Even that one that was lingering is gone!

The nurse said that even if our tests tomorrow (sperm antibodies) comes back bad, we'll probably keep with the IUI this month anyways. But she also told me not to even worry about it because such a small percentage of people have it ... but I can't stop worrying because who's to say we're not that small percentage?!?

I got my Follistim pen today, along with needles, alcohol swaps, and my very own "Sharps" biohazard container.

Watch out ... I'm growing my own pharmacy here!

Overall ~ I'm feeling a little bit better than right after the bad news of failed IUI #3 ... the sermon in church yesterday left me feeling selfish - and thinking that we really should just do adoption because maybe we would have a baby by now ... then I re-looked up the numbers for the cost of it, and remembered why we can't do adoption. That would have to be five-ten years down the line for saving up for it ... who knows, maybe it will be!

"He alone is my rock and my salvation, he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." Psalm 62:2

I felt a little shaken last week ~ but I held on strong and I know my Faith will carry me through, and I know all my amazing friends are here to help me!

Bye bye Clomid ... Hello needles!

Well, the meeting w/ Dr. McBaby was quick today because he was about to catch a flight for vacation, and we were 10 minutes late because I wrote the time down wrong!!

Either way ~ he gave us the option of trying a couple IUI's with FSH - because DH's numbers look good and it's just my lining that isn't fantastic right now - or doing another laproscopy. We just had a lap last January, but that was before I stopped BC pills (was on them for 10 years) - so things may have changed. But I'm opting to go for a couple more cycles w/ the injections before going through that pain again!

We're also both getting sperm anitbodies tests done - just to rule that potential problem out.

So - overall I'm feeling positive, I love having a new plan to look forward to - but still not out of the depression phase yet ... that will probably last the weekend.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord will all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.



I'm having a hard time not being obsessive. I keep trying to surrender this anxiety, but end up pulling it back unto my own shoulders. I pray for peace, hope, and direction in this journey.

On to cycle #15 ... Lucky cycle #15??

Yesterday I had my screening ultrasound to check on the cyst in my left ovary ~ and it's shrunk from where it was before. I was kinda disappointed because I was certain it was gone, and that would have explained some mysteries from my 19 day cycle #14 ... but, atleast it's small enough that we can move on! Now we have midcycle u/s next Thurs, then probably IUI #3 next Friday. I'm also going to be taking a new pill this month to help thicken my lining, which has been too thin the last couple of tries. Hopefully it helps!

On an interesting note, some of my "infertility" friends found the octuplets born in Cali as an annoyance. Many of them felt the feelings of "she gets 8 and I can't have 1??" But I'm choosing to view it on the bright side. Fertility treatments work when God wants them too!! (even though the crazy mom won't admit or discuss her treatments, it's pretty obvious) I'm not hoping for 8 but 1 ... or 2 ... or 3 would be an adventure!!

How to love me well ...

For those who don't know ~ Nick and I have been trying since February 2008 to add a little VandenBerg to our family. This has been an amazing struggle for us, and we know that we may be hard to approach or deal with right now.

The book, Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake, has helped me a lot, and in each chapter is a section called "Burden Bearers" ~ specifically written for those who are dealing with people such as myself. The following list is my own version for you to consider ~ any in quotations are direct quotes form Hannah's Hope. Please remember that these are my own opinions, mixed with my own humor as we all know that's what I use most to deflect serious conversations :)

So, if you love me, or if you love anyone else who has dealt with infertility, miscarriages, or adoption loss, please read on and keep these things in mind when trying to be our friends.

• I know that investing in a relationship with me right now may be difficult. I do not mean to be hard to be friends with, but I am hurting, and may hurt you without meaning to. Do not be afraid to ask me if I'm having a good/bad day, because the answer to that question can lead us to a good, healthy conversation.
• Try to understand when I have to miss an event. I have a constant broken heart, and some days are better than others. I may not be up for watching you open your baby shower gifts, watch your children play, or listen to you complain about how you were up all night with a teething baby.
• Please do not tell me to relax. I already know that stress can further hinder our issues, but relaxing will not cure a luteal phase defect nor will relaxing make an abnormal sperm fertilize an egg.
• On a similar note, please do not tell me to "just adopt". Yes, you have a story where that worked, but again, adoption has no scientific proof to bless us with a pregnancy later.
• Please do not offer advice unless I ask for it. I've probably already heard it all, and it just makes me annoyed.
• Please do not tell me the story about "Sarah's sister's cousin's aunt who took 10 years to have a baby and now she has 20" Again, it just makes me annoyed, and I know stories of "Tommy's cousin's sister who never had a baby" .... so that cancels your good story out.
• If you are trying to conceive, or God blesses you with a miracle before me, please let me know through a note or email, instead of in front of a group of people. This may seem less exciting way to share your amazing news, but it will give me time to grieve my own loss and process the information. I am truly happy for everyone that God blesses with a child, I just can't show it when you hit me with the news out of no where and I feel like throwing up.
• I am already searching with a fine tooth comb everything in my life that I may be doing wrong, so please don't tell me that I am being punished or being withheld something because of sin ... if that's what you truly believe, just pray for me.
• Please don't say "I know God will Bless you with a baby" unless he has given you a revelation he hasn't given me. Please be careful when speaking for our Lord. Same goes for "It will happen" ... again, you don't know that, don't make promises you can't keep.
• Don't ask me if I'm pregnant. Believe me, I'll be screaming it from rooftops when I am.
• FOR THE HUSBANDS: Jokes about infertility are not funny. Ever. It makes my husband want to punch you in your face.
• Keep open communication with me, my friend, even though it may be awkward or hard. If you're having a baby shower, please still invite me, but maybe include a personal note that says you understand if I am not feeling up for it. I often feel like an outsider these days, and ignoring me to help me would only make me feel worse.
• MISCARRIAGES: "If my baby has died, please do remember my child. Remember that I am a mother. If my miscarriage was 'early', don't think my baby was any less of a person or less significant than if he died later in life. Don't tell me that it was probably 'for the best', I know all about those situations, but my baby is dead."
• Please be patient with me, as I know that I have bouts of bitterness and jealousy. Pray that I will handle these moments well. "If you feel I've been wallowing in self-pity for too long", please don't tell me, just pray harder.

There ... that's it for now.

Feel free to share this page with people whom you think it may help. I plan to begin "blogging" our journey, in an effort to find away to release some of my anger and frustration at this point in my life.

And while this list seems very negative ... I am actually having a very good day today. :)

I know that there's a bigger reason behind my heart break ... I just hate that I don't know when it's going to end.