Jesus said, "Go home to your friends and tell them what wonderful things the Lord has done for you and how merciful he has been." Mark 5:19

One year ago today - we had our 4th IUI procedure (read the day after post here) - thinking about that day brings such joy to my heart. Let me take a moment to tell you what He has done for me, and what I am thankful for:

• My husband. I am so blessed to have a man of integrity and value who loves me and our family so much.
• Henry. I wanted a child so badly, my heart hurt everyday. My faith was tested, and my prayers are answered in this sweet little boy.
  
• My parents. They are my support system and our best friends.
  
• Our home. We have a spacious home with lots of land that Henry is going to love to explore!
• Health. For myself and my family.
• Finances. We may not be rich and glamorous - but we have been given more than we deserve.
• Young Marrieds. Our Sunday School class has been so influential and given us a great start with ways to keep our marriage a happy, healthy place.
• Friends. Whether I know you from work, church, high school, college, online etc ... you're in my life for a reason and I'm better because of it.
• Enemies. You remind me daily of how lucky I am to lead the life I've been given, and just as with my friends, you're in my life for a reason, and I'm better because of it.
  
• Forgiveness. The greatest gift that God has given us - and the most unexpected, beautiful thing we can give each other.
• My faith. My search for Truth is still growing in leaps and bounds everyday - but I am learning from His word and finding the peace and grace that comes with His forgiveness to be the glue that holds my soul together.
  

I had originally intended to add in some of the silly things I'm thankful for - like pizza and LOST - but the list took a different turn as I was typing. But you all should know -- they are very important to me as well :)

No I will not show you how much I've grown!!
Henry Mercer - 15 weeks

We love to take walks now that the weather is warmer!

CD3 = Biohazard Container!!

Well, the ultrasound went good this morning ~ no cysts for me!! Even that one that was lingering is gone!

The nurse said that even if our tests tomorrow (sperm antibodies) comes back bad, we'll probably keep with the IUI this month anyways. But she also told me not to even worry about it because such a small percentage of people have it ... but I can't stop worrying because who's to say we're not that small percentage?!?

I got my Follistim pen today, along with needles, alcohol swaps, and my very own "Sharps" biohazard container.

Watch out ... I'm growing my own pharmacy here!

Overall ~ I'm feeling a little bit better than right after the bad news of failed IUI #3 ... the sermon in church yesterday left me feeling selfish - and thinking that we really should just do adoption because maybe we would have a baby by now ... then I re-looked up the numbers for the cost of it, and remembered why we can't do adoption. That would have to be five-ten years down the line for saving up for it ... who knows, maybe it will be!

"He alone is my rock and my salvation, he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." Psalm 62:2

I felt a little shaken last week ~ but I held on strong and I know my Faith will carry me through, and I know all my amazing friends are here to help me!

How to love me well ...

For those who don't know ~ Nick and I have been trying since February 2008 to add a little VandenBerg to our family. This has been an amazing struggle for us, and we know that we may be hard to approach or deal with right now.

The book, Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake, has helped me a lot, and in each chapter is a section called "Burden Bearers" ~ specifically written for those who are dealing with people such as myself. The following list is my own version for you to consider ~ any in quotations are direct quotes form Hannah's Hope. Please remember that these are my own opinions, mixed with my own humor as we all know that's what I use most to deflect serious conversations :)

So, if you love me, or if you love anyone else who has dealt with infertility, miscarriages, or adoption loss, please read on and keep these things in mind when trying to be our friends.

• I know that investing in a relationship with me right now may be difficult. I do not mean to be hard to be friends with, but I am hurting, and may hurt you without meaning to. Do not be afraid to ask me if I'm having a good/bad day, because the answer to that question can lead us to a good, healthy conversation.
• Try to understand when I have to miss an event. I have a constant broken heart, and some days are better than others. I may not be up for watching you open your baby shower gifts, watch your children play, or listen to you complain about how you were up all night with a teething baby.
• Please do not tell me to relax. I already know that stress can further hinder our issues, but relaxing will not cure a luteal phase defect nor will relaxing make an abnormal sperm fertilize an egg.
• On a similar note, please do not tell me to "just adopt". Yes, you have a story where that worked, but again, adoption has no scientific proof to bless us with a pregnancy later.
• Please do not offer advice unless I ask for it. I've probably already heard it all, and it just makes me annoyed.
• Please do not tell me the story about "Sarah's sister's cousin's aunt who took 10 years to have a baby and now she has 20" Again, it just makes me annoyed, and I know stories of "Tommy's cousin's sister who never had a baby" .... so that cancels your good story out.
• If you are trying to conceive, or God blesses you with a miracle before me, please let me know through a note or email, instead of in front of a group of people. This may seem less exciting way to share your amazing news, but it will give me time to grieve my own loss and process the information. I am truly happy for everyone that God blesses with a child, I just can't show it when you hit me with the news out of no where and I feel like throwing up.
• I am already searching with a fine tooth comb everything in my life that I may be doing wrong, so please don't tell me that I am being punished or being withheld something because of sin ... if that's what you truly believe, just pray for me.
• Please don't say "I know God will Bless you with a baby" unless he has given you a revelation he hasn't given me. Please be careful when speaking for our Lord. Same goes for "It will happen" ... again, you don't know that, don't make promises you can't keep.
• Don't ask me if I'm pregnant. Believe me, I'll be screaming it from rooftops when I am.
• FOR THE HUSBANDS: Jokes about infertility are not funny. Ever. It makes my husband want to punch you in your face.
• Keep open communication with me, my friend, even though it may be awkward or hard. If you're having a baby shower, please still invite me, but maybe include a personal note that says you understand if I am not feeling up for it. I often feel like an outsider these days, and ignoring me to help me would only make me feel worse.
• MISCARRIAGES: "If my baby has died, please do remember my child. Remember that I am a mother. If my miscarriage was 'early', don't think my baby was any less of a person or less significant than if he died later in life. Don't tell me that it was probably 'for the best', I know all about those situations, but my baby is dead."
• Please be patient with me, as I know that I have bouts of bitterness and jealousy. Pray that I will handle these moments well. "If you feel I've been wallowing in self-pity for too long", please don't tell me, just pray harder.

There ... that's it for now.

Feel free to share this page with people whom you think it may help. I plan to begin "blogging" our journey, in an effort to find away to release some of my anger and frustration at this point in my life.

And while this list seems very negative ... I am actually having a very good day today. :)

I know that there's a bigger reason behind my heart break ... I just hate that I don't know when it's going to end.