How to love me well ...

For those who don't know ~ Nick and I have been trying since February 2008 to add a little VandenBerg to our family. This has been an amazing struggle for us, and we know that we may be hard to approach or deal with right now.

The book, Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake, has helped me a lot, and in each chapter is a section called "Burden Bearers" ~ specifically written for those who are dealing with people such as myself. The following list is my own version for you to consider ~ any in quotations are direct quotes form Hannah's Hope. Please remember that these are my own opinions, mixed with my own humor as we all know that's what I use most to deflect serious conversations :)

So, if you love me, or if you love anyone else who has dealt with infertility, miscarriages, or adoption loss, please read on and keep these things in mind when trying to be our friends.

• I know that investing in a relationship with me right now may be difficult. I do not mean to be hard to be friends with, but I am hurting, and may hurt you without meaning to. Do not be afraid to ask me if I'm having a good/bad day, because the answer to that question can lead us to a good, healthy conversation.
• Try to understand when I have to miss an event. I have a constant broken heart, and some days are better than others. I may not be up for watching you open your baby shower gifts, watch your children play, or listen to you complain about how you were up all night with a teething baby.
• Please do not tell me to relax. I already know that stress can further hinder our issues, but relaxing will not cure a luteal phase defect nor will relaxing make an abnormal sperm fertilize an egg.
• On a similar note, please do not tell me to "just adopt". Yes, you have a story where that worked, but again, adoption has no scientific proof to bless us with a pregnancy later.
• Please do not offer advice unless I ask for it. I've probably already heard it all, and it just makes me annoyed.
• Please do not tell me the story about "Sarah's sister's cousin's aunt who took 10 years to have a baby and now she has 20" Again, it just makes me annoyed, and I know stories of "Tommy's cousin's sister who never had a baby" .... so that cancels your good story out.
• If you are trying to conceive, or God blesses you with a miracle before me, please let me know through a note or email, instead of in front of a group of people. This may seem less exciting way to share your amazing news, but it will give me time to grieve my own loss and process the information. I am truly happy for everyone that God blesses with a child, I just can't show it when you hit me with the news out of no where and I feel like throwing up.
• I am already searching with a fine tooth comb everything in my life that I may be doing wrong, so please don't tell me that I am being punished or being withheld something because of sin ... if that's what you truly believe, just pray for me.
• Please don't say "I know God will Bless you with a baby" unless he has given you a revelation he hasn't given me. Please be careful when speaking for our Lord. Same goes for "It will happen" ... again, you don't know that, don't make promises you can't keep.
• Don't ask me if I'm pregnant. Believe me, I'll be screaming it from rooftops when I am.
• FOR THE HUSBANDS: Jokes about infertility are not funny. Ever. It makes my husband want to punch you in your face.
• Keep open communication with me, my friend, even though it may be awkward or hard. If you're having a baby shower, please still invite me, but maybe include a personal note that says you understand if I am not feeling up for it. I often feel like an outsider these days, and ignoring me to help me would only make me feel worse.
• MISCARRIAGES: "If my baby has died, please do remember my child. Remember that I am a mother. If my miscarriage was 'early', don't think my baby was any less of a person or less significant than if he died later in life. Don't tell me that it was probably 'for the best', I know all about those situations, but my baby is dead."
• Please be patient with me, as I know that I have bouts of bitterness and jealousy. Pray that I will handle these moments well. "If you feel I've been wallowing in self-pity for too long", please don't tell me, just pray harder.

There ... that's it for now.

Feel free to share this page with people whom you think it may help. I plan to begin "blogging" our journey, in an effort to find away to release some of my anger and frustration at this point in my life.

And while this list seems very negative ... I am actually having a very good day today. :)

I know that there's a bigger reason behind my heart break ... I just hate that I don't know when it's going to end.