Life after IF ...

I've been thinking about this post for a long time.

And probably will find tons more thoughts and feelings to add to it over the years.

Now that I am pregnant with Maybe - the gift of a natural achieved pregnancy - my I.F. heartache is further away than ever. But it's not gone. And I don't think it every will be completely gone. And if we decide to have a third child someday (doubtful) - what will happen for us then?

I still read the message boards that helped me cope every day - even though they're quieter now. I read blogs of women I don't even know in real life - who are still struggling and brokenhearted. I cry when they lose pregnancies, and I cry with tears of joy when they do become pregnant. These women are amazing, beautiful people who are sharing their life stories - and giving hope and friendship to other women who are afraid to say their worst fears aloud. That they may never have children.

I have several friends IRL (in real life) who are trying to get pregnant. Some of them are just starting to worry - and some are experiencing issues with getting pregnant after already having a child. They have discovered what I tried to explain so long ago -- once you flip on the "baby switch" in your heart -- all of a sudden, there are babies and preggo's everywhere! And it's torture. Pure torture. That happened to me again once we started trying for a second child, and I just kept thinking, "Seriously? Again? This is ridiculous!"

And since every person deals with pregnancy issues different - I am now finding myself on the other side of the boat. Do I talk to them? Send them a message? Or do they want to be left alone about it? Probably many of the thoughts that people had for me when I was struggling. A couple weeks ago, after an amazing church sermon on adoption - I saw an acquaintance leave the auditorium in tears. This same person once made me so angry by saying those stupid words: "Just relax, it will happen when it's meant to happen." And now every week I see her and wonder - why was she crying? Does she feel that pain? And I've spend much of the services since staring at the back of her head - focusing all my prayers on her. But I can't ask her why she was so upset that day ... who knows, maybe she just had something in her eye!

I try to be cautious about discussing my child and pregnancy around others - but it isn't always easy. This is the highlight of my life - and I battle with the feelings of entitlement. I suffered through other people's gloating - now it's my turn to post 100,000 million photos of my child on facebook, and have every status be about my pregnancy - right?? I don't know ... but I do know every time I write about H or Maybe online, I think about if it's making someone else sad.

This post has turned into rambling instead of the highly inspirational and meaningful writing it was going to be. I think I should quit while I'm ahead.

But - just so you know - there is life after infertility. And it can be wonderful or crappy - basically, whatever you want it to be.

"You have rescued me from death; you have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in your presence, O God, in your life-giving light." Psalm 56:13