21 weeks and 4 days

Since most of you are my facebook friends - you probably already know - but we're having another BOY :)
Owen Roger is happy and healthy in there - growing big and ahead of schedule, just like his brother always was. Nick of course, is relieved. I am excited. The only sadness I feel from not getting a little girl is when I see the super cute outfits, and big ugly flower headbands that I want to put on her head. But overall, I have no sadness about this. It just feels right - this is what my family is meant to be!

Here's the 20 week belly photo:


Now my biggest issue is the pain in my a** --- seriously, a sharp, sometimes aching sometimes shooting pain in my booty. It lingers for a majority of the day - and zings me when I get up from a chair or the floor, sit down, and walk more than 10 feet. Getting into my car after a trip to Target last week - I looked like a ridiculous old lady, and some guy sitting in the car across from me was just staring. Last week the OB nurse gave me a stretch to do - every other day it helps, then the next day it's 10 times worse. Called again today - they said they'll refer me to physical therapy, which is great if it works and I can fit it into my schedule. Something tells me it won't be a good thing to take H with me in the morning!

So - that's it for now - we'll do a 14 month update on Henry soon! :)

Maybe Baby - 19 weeks and 5 days

Only one more week until we find out if we're having an Owen Roger or a Nora Lee (this baby better be cooperative, because I'm so freaking anxious to find out)!
Today, I would bet Owen, though I definitely call baby "her" when I talk about "her". What's your guess? :)


How far along? 19 weeks and 5 days
Total weight gain/loss: about 5 gained now, so almost back to where I started this pregnancy
Maternity clothes? Definitely in mat. pants now - the shirts are frustrating. I'm in between my own "flowy" shirts, and the real preggo shirts.
Stretch marks? The old ones are just becoming more apparent again
Sleep: Up once or twice a night, more if H gets up too
Best moment this week: I can now feel Maybe move around everyday!
Movement: Yes! Lots of low kicking/punching ... Nick was able to feel it too!
Food cravings: We're back on a mexican food kick! And I made Nick buy me a donut the other day...
Gender: I have a feeling it's a boy - but we'll find out next Wed. hopefully!!
Labor Signs: N/A
Belly Button in or out? Out - this happened way faster this time!
What I miss: Henry doesn't fit quite as nicely and cuddly in my lap anymore... but it's still doable
What I am looking forward to: Finding out if we're having a boy or girl
Weekly Wisdom: Hmmm.... I'm wisdomless right now.
Milestones: We have the C-Section scheduled for June 3rd - 7:30am -- but I have May 31st stuck in my head for some reason...
Realization of the week: As of tomorrow, we'll be halfway done!

16 week belly photo ... 20 weeks will be taken on Saturday, and there's a big difference!!

Henry Mercer - 13 months and 3 weeks

Henry Mercer ~ 13 months old

Solids: Oh, this little boy can drive me crazy with his eating!! He'll do great eating everything for a week or two, then stop eating the things he once devoured! Right now, he seems to be going through another "you can't feed me" stage ... which is frustrating b/c he's also refusing most vegetables. I had resorted back to baby food veggies, but now he's not eating those either. Stinker.

Waketime Length: Nothing new here...

Naps: Also nothing new here ... his morning nap I definitely keep to 1 hour now, or else he tries to wake up at 6:30am, and 7 is just so much better!

Nighttime sleep: Struggling with this right now due to a cold - first he couldn't breath and kept losing his binkie since he was breathing through his mouth - and now he has a cough when he lays down. The cough doesn't seem to stir him too much - but it keeps me up as I hear it through the monitor! Last night I got him up and gave him a couple sips of water, and rocked him upright for a little bit just to try to help him get some of the yuckiness out. He coughed a few more times once I layed him down, but then slept until 7:30! I, however, took another hour to fall asleep - so I'm dragging today!

Milestones: Henry's word list is definitely growing - he can say: mom, dad, hi, up, sit, cat, yes, and he really tries to say clothes and socks. However, he does not say any of these things on demand of course, so you'd just have to take my word for it :) He is very smart about following directions that we do everyday. If you ask him if he wants to take a nap, he'll find his frog and head to his room. He walk/runs all over the place.

Daycare: Things are still great at daycare, he seems to really enjoy it there. The biggest struggle for me is worrying about if I should send him when he has a runny nose/cough ... it's so hard to know what's just a cold/teething/or true sickness!

Now, a couple pictures from the holiday season ... can you believe this little boy is going to be a big brother in 20 short weeks!!?

Life after IF ...

I've been thinking about this post for a long time.

And probably will find tons more thoughts and feelings to add to it over the years.

Now that I am pregnant with Maybe - the gift of a natural achieved pregnancy - my I.F. heartache is further away than ever. But it's not gone. And I don't think it every will be completely gone. And if we decide to have a third child someday (doubtful) - what will happen for us then?

I still read the message boards that helped me cope every day - even though they're quieter now. I read blogs of women I don't even know in real life - who are still struggling and brokenhearted. I cry when they lose pregnancies, and I cry with tears of joy when they do become pregnant. These women are amazing, beautiful people who are sharing their life stories - and giving hope and friendship to other women who are afraid to say their worst fears aloud. That they may never have children.

I have several friends IRL (in real life) who are trying to get pregnant. Some of them are just starting to worry - and some are experiencing issues with getting pregnant after already having a child. They have discovered what I tried to explain so long ago -- once you flip on the "baby switch" in your heart -- all of a sudden, there are babies and preggo's everywhere! And it's torture. Pure torture. That happened to me again once we started trying for a second child, and I just kept thinking, "Seriously? Again? This is ridiculous!"

And since every person deals with pregnancy issues different - I am now finding myself on the other side of the boat. Do I talk to them? Send them a message? Or do they want to be left alone about it? Probably many of the thoughts that people had for me when I was struggling. A couple weeks ago, after an amazing church sermon on adoption - I saw an acquaintance leave the auditorium in tears. This same person once made me so angry by saying those stupid words: "Just relax, it will happen when it's meant to happen." And now every week I see her and wonder - why was she crying? Does she feel that pain? And I've spend much of the services since staring at the back of her head - focusing all my prayers on her. But I can't ask her why she was so upset that day ... who knows, maybe she just had something in her eye!

I try to be cautious about discussing my child and pregnancy around others - but it isn't always easy. This is the highlight of my life - and I battle with the feelings of entitlement. I suffered through other people's gloating - now it's my turn to post 100,000 million photos of my child on facebook, and have every status be about my pregnancy - right?? I don't know ... but I do know every time I write about H or Maybe online, I think about if it's making someone else sad.

This post has turned into rambling instead of the highly inspirational and meaningful writing it was going to be. I think I should quit while I'm ahead.

But - just so you know - there is life after infertility. And it can be wonderful or crappy - basically, whatever you want it to be.

"You have rescued me from death; you have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in your presence, O God, in your life-giving light." Psalm 56:13

Grr...

I am a bad blogger.

I will return to you soon my friends, I promise.

:)

Photo Session

Henry Mercer - 1 year old

And then ... the 12 week belly photo (similar to the previous pregnancy's 16 or even 20 week photo!)

Maybe Baby - 13 weeks 5 days

Maybe baby ... or Maybe Alien?!?

How far along? 13 weeks 5 days
Total weight gain/loss: - 7, apparently all I needed to lose the baby weight was get pregnant again (and get the flu ... while pregnant)
Maternity clothes? A few shirts, and the bella band everyday.
Stretch marks? Not yet!
Sleep: I wake up having to pee - and will myself to ignore it and go back to sleep!
Best moment this week: Getting to peek at Maybe again!
Movement: No - there have been a few things that I could convince myself are movements, but I'm sure it's just gas :)
Food cravings: Still really struggling for anything at all to sound appetizing, another factor in the weight loss
Gender: Hoping for a girl, but telling myself it's a boy
Labor Signs: N/A
Belly Button in or out? Innie
What I miss: A nice glass of wine after a ridiculous day at school!
What I am looking forward to: Feeling Maybe move all the time!
Weekly Wisdom: I'm working on enjoying every moment of my time with Henry - as his and our lives will soon be changing!
Milestones: Ending the first trimester!
Realization of the week: Same as weekly wisdom ;)


So for my OB appointment today - another doctor had taken home the hand-held doppler, so instead they let me sneak into the ultrasound room to get a quick peek at the heartbeat! It was 158bpm - which wives tales say are girls - but Henry's was always 150-170's as well, so we know how that goes !

We're about 95% set on the names - our girl name remains from last time - Nora Lee (after my grandmothers, and mother). Boys names are trickier, esp. with two teachers, but right now we're settled on Owen Roger (Roger is my dad's name). We do know quite a few friends who have Owen's - but no close friends, and it just sounds good together - and with Henry.

I feel so lucky and so happy - and excited for this baby!!


"... 'Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.' " Deuteronomy 33:12