Life after IF ...

I've been thinking about this post for a long time.

And probably will find tons more thoughts and feelings to add to it over the years.

Now that I am pregnant with Maybe - the gift of a natural achieved pregnancy - my I.F. heartache is further away than ever. But it's not gone. And I don't think it every will be completely gone. And if we decide to have a third child someday (doubtful) - what will happen for us then?

I still read the message boards that helped me cope every day - even though they're quieter now. I read blogs of women I don't even know in real life - who are still struggling and brokenhearted. I cry when they lose pregnancies, and I cry with tears of joy when they do become pregnant. These women are amazing, beautiful people who are sharing their life stories - and giving hope and friendship to other women who are afraid to say their worst fears aloud. That they may never have children.

I have several friends IRL (in real life) who are trying to get pregnant. Some of them are just starting to worry - and some are experiencing issues with getting pregnant after already having a child. They have discovered what I tried to explain so long ago -- once you flip on the "baby switch" in your heart -- all of a sudden, there are babies and preggo's everywhere! And it's torture. Pure torture. That happened to me again once we started trying for a second child, and I just kept thinking, "Seriously? Again? This is ridiculous!"

And since every person deals with pregnancy issues different - I am now finding myself on the other side of the boat. Do I talk to them? Send them a message? Or do they want to be left alone about it? Probably many of the thoughts that people had for me when I was struggling. A couple weeks ago, after an amazing church sermon on adoption - I saw an acquaintance leave the auditorium in tears. This same person once made me so angry by saying those stupid words: "Just relax, it will happen when it's meant to happen." And now every week I see her and wonder - why was she crying? Does she feel that pain? And I've spend much of the services since staring at the back of her head - focusing all my prayers on her. But I can't ask her why she was so upset that day ... who knows, maybe she just had something in her eye!

I try to be cautious about discussing my child and pregnancy around others - but it isn't always easy. This is the highlight of my life - and I battle with the feelings of entitlement. I suffered through other people's gloating - now it's my turn to post 100,000 million photos of my child on facebook, and have every status be about my pregnancy - right?? I don't know ... but I do know every time I write about H or Maybe online, I think about if it's making someone else sad.

This post has turned into rambling instead of the highly inspirational and meaningful writing it was going to be. I think I should quit while I'm ahead.

But - just so you know - there is life after infertility. And it can be wonderful or crappy - basically, whatever you want it to be.

"You have rescued me from death; you have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in your presence, O God, in your life-giving light." Psalm 56:13

Grr...

I am a bad blogger.

I will return to you soon my friends, I promise.

:)

Photo Session

Henry Mercer - 1 year old

And then ... the 12 week belly photo (similar to the previous pregnancy's 16 or even 20 week photo!)

Maybe Baby - 13 weeks 5 days

Maybe baby ... or Maybe Alien?!?

How far along? 13 weeks 5 days
Total weight gain/loss: - 7, apparently all I needed to lose the baby weight was get pregnant again (and get the flu ... while pregnant)
Maternity clothes? A few shirts, and the bella band everyday.
Stretch marks? Not yet!
Sleep: I wake up having to pee - and will myself to ignore it and go back to sleep!
Best moment this week: Getting to peek at Maybe again!
Movement: No - there have been a few things that I could convince myself are movements, but I'm sure it's just gas :)
Food cravings: Still really struggling for anything at all to sound appetizing, another factor in the weight loss
Gender: Hoping for a girl, but telling myself it's a boy
Labor Signs: N/A
Belly Button in or out? Innie
What I miss: A nice glass of wine after a ridiculous day at school!
What I am looking forward to: Feeling Maybe move all the time!
Weekly Wisdom: I'm working on enjoying every moment of my time with Henry - as his and our lives will soon be changing!
Milestones: Ending the first trimester!
Realization of the week: Same as weekly wisdom ;)


So for my OB appointment today - another doctor had taken home the hand-held doppler, so instead they let me sneak into the ultrasound room to get a quick peek at the heartbeat! It was 158bpm - which wives tales say are girls - but Henry's was always 150-170's as well, so we know how that goes !

We're about 95% set on the names - our girl name remains from last time - Nora Lee (after my grandmothers, and mother). Boys names are trickier, esp. with two teachers, but right now we're settled on Owen Roger (Roger is my dad's name). We do know quite a few friends who have Owen's - but no close friends, and it just sounds good together - and with Henry.

I feel so lucky and so happy - and excited for this baby!!


"... 'Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.' " Deuteronomy 33:12

Henry's first party, birthday, and Thanksgiving

We have had a busy week here in our home!

Last Saturday we hosted Henry's birthday party - with about 30 of his closest family and friends! (ok, so maybe our friends). In order to be able to invite our friends as well, we only invited Henry's immediate family (i.e. his aunts and uncles, but not great aunts/uncles) I think this turned out well, and as far as I know, no one's feelings where hurt.

We had pizza for dinner - but it was before Henry's dinner time, so I just let him continue playing. The little beggar went around to everyone's plate - getting fed, then he'd walk away, chew, swallow, and go to the next person's plate! It was adorable.

During presents - he was entertained for a while, but he got stuck on one present and wouldn't leave it alone. So, as per usual for a first birthday, I got to open the presents myself. He got some great toys and super cute outfits! Which reminds me that I must start those thank you cards soon...

For the cake - he was a little timid at first - making his daddy try the frosting before he did. But then he discovered it was yum - and dug in. He did not get super messy, but it was cute none the less.

Overall, it was an amazing evening - we're so thankful for everyone who came and shared celebrating Henry's life with us! I am sad that my brother and niece weren't there - as they've decided their life is better without our family - but that's another story for another post.

On Wednesday - his actual birthday - he woke up and did his first official puke of his life. :( I think he and I have been fighting the same stomach bug - no fevers, just not much of an appetite and some other tummy issues. I got it first - but chalked most of the symptoms up to pregnancy. Then Henry - and on Thanksgiving night, poor husband got it the worst of all!

Since Henry was still sick for Thanksgiving (technically, not his first - but since he was only 2 days old last time, I'm calling it first) he didn't eat lunch, or really even try his thanksgiving feast dinner. He only would eat cheese. Poor guy.

Now that it's Sunday, our household is back to healthy normals! We're working on getting the tree up - so far Henry doesn't seem to even care that it's there - but we haven't put any of the pretty ornaments on it yet :)

Here's some pictures of Henry's party!





And as always, keep your eye out for these upcoming posts this week or next:

• Maybe Baby, 13+ weeks - first belly photo, and names picked out!

• Life after IF, dealing with being a proud mama, but not wanting to hurt your friends

Henry - 51 (almost) Weeks old

Tomorrow Henry turns 51 weeks old - and then next Wednesday (the 24th) he turns 1 year old!

Hmm... I got up here, now how do I get down??

It is amazing to me to think that at this time last year he was still in my belly. The rapid growth and change that infants go through the first year is crazy!!

Bottles: He had a couple weeks where he was doing awesome, and now he's drinking about 4 oz per bottle time again - so about 12 ounces a day. He gets half milk and half formula in these now - we had bumped it up to more, and he suddenly got some runny poops, so we backed off again. We'll try to add more milk soon to see if it happens again, or if it was caused by something else.


Solids: Henry is starting to develop a sense of taste. He does not like peaches. He won't eat peach flavored oatmeal, or peaches by themselves. He will eat the peach pieces from a mixed cherry fruit cup. If he's eating something, and you put something he likes better on his tray - he'll take the old food out of his mouth to put the new good food in!

Waketime Length: Same, usually 2 1/2 hours - sometimes longer

Naps: Same here - 2 naps a day, the first nap is an hour - then about an hour and a half in the afternoon.

Nighttime sleep: Stupid Daylight Savings time threw us off for about 3 days - but then he was right back on track like a champion! Still sleeping from 7:45pm until 7am.

Milestones: Henry isn't saying too many words - but he does try to mimic your sounds. He also is getting smarter with understanding what we say. He understands and follows the directions of "go get a book", "let's go eat", "bath time", and "let's go bye bye" It's so cute! He also got his toy snake yesterday when I told him to!

Daycare: Even better here - I set him down and he walks right away to the toys!!

We're having Henry's birthday party this weekend. We figured it would be better to have it before Thanksgiving weekend, so more people are likely to be able to come. We've invited a few family members and some of Henry's bestest friends ... and some of our best friends! We were going to make big pots of chilli - because that sounded perfect for a fall party. But - once we started adding up the cost of the meat and beans and sides - we decided just to spend a little more and order pizza! It'll be easier!

And just to get you thinking ... we've officially decided on boy/girl names for Maybe!! But that's for another post, another day :)

Maybe Baby - 9 weeks 5 days ... or later??

My wonderful husband was nice enough to take today off and go with me to our first official OB appointment today. Again - they had told me when she canceled our first ultrasound that she would try to listen for the heartbeat at this visit - but then she wouldn't because she said she's never been able to hear it at 9 weeks before. So I was annoyed with our doctor.

But then she felt my tummy - and estimated that it was feeling about 12 weeks instead of 9 1/2. So she decided we should have an ultrasound to make sure there weren't 2 Maybes inside!

Then, God blessed us with the ultrasound tech Joy - who just so happened to be sitting around doing nothing! We were so lucky to just get to move right into the ultrasound room instead of having to reschedule and come back next week!!

Don't worry - there is officially only 1 baby in there - but as per my usual baby breeding - Maybe is already measuring exactly one week ahead. My OB had said she won't change the due date unless it's 7 days off ... and it was exactly 7 days. So I'm not sure what we'll do there - I bet we'll discuss it next time.

It was so amazing and beautiful to see Maybe in there - flopping around, moving his/her little stumpy arms. The heartbeat was 163 - Henry's was always on the higher end too.

This pregnancy is starting to feel real ... and I am just so overwhelmed, excited, anxious, and grateful!

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
(Philippians 4:6-7 ESV)

A cute pic where you can see Maybe's little limbs!

A better facial profile pic - but I think that's the cord going up because Maybe's legs aren't that long yet!

Thank you God - for giving us this baby and letting us see him/her today!!